Happy Coming Out Day!

So rarely do I have a significant coming out story any more.  I’ve been out of the closet to myself and my parents since my freshman year in college, (for inquiring minds that would be 1985, yes nearly 30 years ago). And now, pretty much everyone in my life knows from family, friends, doctors, dentists, neighbors and even parents, kids and staff at my kiddo’s school.  I’ve dealt with a dear friend not coming to my commitment ceremony 20 years ago because of her religious beliefs, being called every queer epithet while walking out of gay bars in seedy neighborhoods, dealing with kids wondering why my daughter has 2 moms and where her dad is.  Being approached in restaurants, and grocery stores with people coming up and asking which person, my wife, or me was our daughter’s “real mom.”

But earlier this week I came out in a way I had never expected because it was in a locker room…  the one place that I have always thought that it would be really, really awkward and probably the worst place to tell strangers, other women who were in some state of being naked that I was gay…

I was in the locker room at the local YMCA (yes, I do get the pun) changing after a swim. There were 4 or 5 tween-aged girls and one woman who looked to be in her late 20’s/early 30’s.  The tweens where talking to each other in the way that tweens do. I was not really listening to their conversation. I had my back to all of them, until one girl who was closest to me said:  “I don’t care, no one is gay in here!”

That stopped me in my tracks.  In my head the internal monologue, in milliseconds, went something like this: “OK, do I say something and put myself in a very vulnerable spot or just stay quiet? Are the girls dressed?  Is that women dressed?  Shit, I don’t know. I’m dressed so at least that that’s in my favor. Would these girls lash out and stalk me out to my car?  But tell them I’m gay in a locker room? Yikes Lori, ooh not a good place. Still you do have an opportunity to educate these girls, if you handle it well…”

So I said, “That’s not true, I’m gay.” as I turned around to face them and looked each of them in the eye.  And then I began to put my things in my gym bag, like it was no big deal.They all stopped, looked at me, startled.  The 20 something froze for a second, then continued putting on her work out clothes.  One of the tween girls said “Ewwww!”  Another said “What do you mean?”  So I replied, “Well, I have a wife and I have and a daughter. I’m a lesbian, I’m gay. So you’ve got to be careful what you say around people you don’t know”. At this point I notice that the 20 something woman’s face grows a subtle but knowing smile. So I’m relieved that she’s laughing on the inside with me at how these girl’s heads are probably exploding on the inside.

One girl says: “It wasn’t me!”  and I reply, “It doesn’t matter who said it, this is for all of you.”  The 20 something woman leaves, still kind of smiling.

At this point there is a shift. The girls all start saying “I’m sorry.” even the girl who said “Ewwww!”.  Then they start asking questions: How old is your daughter?  Seven.  Is she here? No, she’s at home with her other mom.  And more apologies. They leave the locker room.  Then I leave shortly after.  When I walk out into the hallway, heading toward the door, they are all there, talking to the dad of one of the girls telling him what happened. Before they see me, the dad says, “They only thing that matters right now is that we all are hungry and need to go get some hamburgers.”  But of course they keep trying to tell him of our encounter.  As soon as I walk by, they all get silent.  And I can tell from my Moody-Eye in the back of my head that they are whispering, “That’s her, the one that said she was gay.”Of course I walked out with a big smile on my face.

I have no clue what kind of impression that this interaction had on any of them. I have no idea what the dad said to them once I was out of ear shot. But I’m sure it’s something they won’t forget and probably talked about at school the next day. I hope that my deciding to do what was right (talking to them, sharing my story, however brief) rather than what was easy (not saying anything), made a difference.  Hopefully at minimum, they realize that gay people are everywhere and are really just like them…and… they love to go to the YMCA.  (Yes, it’s time to start dancing now.)




Happy Coming Out Day!