Mothers’ Day... That is not a typo. It is grammatically correct in our family’s case. It’s amazing that what looks like an insignificant move of an apostrophe, is much more significant…
Several weeks ago, my then 9 month old daughter got her first nasty cold virus turned ear infection… 103 degree fever, crying to be held all night long, etc…
At one point, while I was holding her during a 3:00 AM crying session, she wailed out “Ma-ma”! It was a first! She had only just started putting consonants together. While feeling so badly, she cried out for her Mama! Even though I knew she felt awful, I was elated! My elation quickly turned to heartbreak as I realized she was not calling out for me, she was calling for her other mother, my wife/partner. I was not the mom she wanted to be comforting her when she was sick; I was not the mom that her apparent first spoken words were referring to.
At was at that point that it hit me: I really am one of two moms - I am not the sole mom. My mom didn’t have this conundrum; she knew her parental role purely by social norms and gender role standards. She was “supposed” to be the nurturer, the caretaker. In my case, I am sharing my mom role with another. In our home there are two of us that have the maternal desire to be the nurturer for our daughter, “The Mom”.
So this Mother’s Day, we joked with each other: Who makes breakfast in bed for whom? Do you make me breakfast in bed and then I take you out for dinner? How do we do this?
I realize that “Mother’s Day” is only a Hallmark Holiday and best taken with a grain of salt… But our society makes a very big deal of it. And, well, damn it, I do want the same recognition that all the other Moms are getting; I am a mom after all. In 21st century America, when two-Mom and two-Dad households are starting to become more commonplace, I still find that it is hard to get my mind around this idea of being one of two moms.
As a way to make it personal for me, I borrowed from the Mother’s Day tradition of my Dad. He used to get my Mom three carnations every Mother’s Day (he still may do this, I should ask him) one red, one blue and one pink. The red symbolizes his love for her, the blue represents my brother and the pink represents me. So I got my partner 2 carnations, a red for my love for her, a pink to symbolize our daughter and I decided to add a third, orange, as a wild card, a “just because”. Unconsciously, I found a way to represent each of us in our unique place in this family. I think I’ll change up the color every year – to keep it interesting.
We ended up spending the day together, the three of us. We went to a local farmer’s market, had lunch at a small cafe, strolled around outside, and had a nice dinner on the patio of a Mediterranean restaurant. Plus, on Saturday night my partner and I had our first night out. We went to a fundraiser for NCLR and spent the evening with a few thousand lesbians including several other two mom couples. So all in all, it was a great Mothers’ Day weekend. It helped too that our daughter had started reaching for me instead of her Mama on some occasions since that night too.
We’ll have to think of something creative for next year to continue to make it special for all of us as a family and to recognize both of us moms – Mothers’ Day. I think it will just be a matter of making that day our own and try not to get sucked in to all of the social norms. Plus I’ll have to come up with a fun color for that third carnation!
